I know, it’s been quite a while since my last blog. But since this is my journal and I am the only one who reads it, who cares? Right?
We are on month 5 of the attempt to create a dynamic person. It’s hard waiting for it to happen. But all good things come to those who wait. Isn’t that the saying? Surely the person that came up with that statement was intelligent. That statement was probably created by Gandhi or the Dali Lama or Mother Theresa. Someone that knew the meaning of life and could easily throw advice to anyone feeling stress. But unfortunate for me, I don’t know them. And I don’t have the patience of a person that would accept this advice and walk calmly though life chanting those words. So we’ll continue the positive thoughts and slight irrationalities and hope for the best.
Speaking of irrationalities, I have Googled options from adoption to artificial insemination. While adoption can clearly be the more expensive option it has its good attributes. You’re giving a home to someone who might not get a good home and you’re not continuing the over-population issue. But I get hung up on the details. I don’t get to experience my own child growing within me and I don’t get to pass on mine and Damon’s genetic qualities. Believe it or not, I want to experience the pregnancy as well as the pain of labor. I want that to be a part of me that I can sacrifice for my child. So that brings us to artificial insemination. While this is less costly ($300-$500 per treatment) I have to ask myself how far am I willing to go for our potential child. The truth is I am willing to go through just about anything. If I feel the love I feel for Taylor with a child of my own, I’d sell my kidney for it. Taylor means the world to me and I would do anything on earth to reverse time and get to see her from infancy to where she is now. To get to hold her in my arms when she has a belly ache or when she’s had a bad dream. For a child to crawl up in my lap and wrap her arms around me and call me mama. What would that feel like? I can’t imagine.
I am so lucky to have gotten to meet her when I did. Since age 7, when we met, she has really made my life worth while. She is in my thoughts all day. Wishing she were closer as well as being thankful I get to be in her life. She’s an extraordinary kid and I am lucky she loves me. Sometimes I can see how hard it is for her. I am sure it’s confusing having a woman in your dad’s life that wants nothing more than to love her as a child of my own. But she has a mom. And at times I think she’s torn about how close she can get to me. But as she’s growing into a young woman, I see her getting more and more comfortable with me. When we’re together, occasionally, she’ll lean her head against my shoulder and relax. She’ll wrap her arms around my waist without thinking about it. Those are my favorite. When she is so comfortable that she’ll just grab a hold of me. I make sure to love on her as often as I think she might be comfortable with and times when she’s not expecting it. I kiss her beautiful head and tell her how wonderful she is. She’ll begin to get to a point to where her appearance will matter to her and I want to make sure she is aware of how precious she is to me. My greeting to her, a lot of time, is “Hey Gorgeous” or something along those lines. She really and truly is an attractive, sweet hearted, kind child. Soon to be adult. I can’t wait for her and my future together. I can’t wait to see how we’ll have teenager conversations about what’s going on with her friends and boys. I’m excited to see her grow. But I am so scared at the same time. I don’t want her being touched by the world. She has an innocence that kids her age are losing. I don’t want her friends to hurt her feelings or boys to break her heart. I would love to shield her under my arm until she becomes an adult. But that doesn’t make a strong person. I have to let her experience hurt. But I don’t have to accept it. I will pummel the first boy who touches her. Without a doubt.
Damon and I are doing great. I have started to go to the gym as well as beginning to work on an ab machine that we bought. I told him that he will have a babe of a wife by Summer. He’s doing great at his job. Whatever he invests in will be successful and done with an expertise that only he possesses. He has this ability to accomplish anything. My job is going well too. I just got an offer for a promotion and gladly accepted. This company has treated me so well the past 8 years, how could I not continue to give back?
I know my rants at infertility are impatient and irrational. But these are the thoughts of an impatient and irrational person. Obviously anything Damon and I do will be as a team and since I have him, will be successful. This is just a place to voice those crazy thoughts. I got an email yesterday from a customer I used to work with. He had one sentence in his email that had 51 words. I feel like that is the theme behind this blog post. On and on and on I go.
Below is a picture of how kitty killed Christmas! LOL – It’s hard to keep a cat out of a tree. Our 15 pound cat ignored all reason and here are the results: